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Introspective to toliman
oh man, i'm bust, disconnected and tired. it's 3am, and i woke up a few hours ago.

so this is another monthly burst of writing to excorcise those pent up feelings.
maybe ill do this more regularly, but there's often nothing significant to write about, certainly not enough to remember.

i'm feeling good about life, etc,, in that sense of floating between fear, abandon, loneliness and futile speculation one seems to dwell upon at 4am. it's probably just me that gets this way at this hour, but i think theres a universal kind of malaise one gets into occasionally when the horizon looks back and all you see is sky, not opportunity or a future. then you just hit upon your faults and your futility.

yeah, it's probably just me.

In other news,
i'm recreating a semblance of my life again, physically and digitally, putting all things into account now that i have a short window between unemployment and homelessness.

my resume is a shambles, but after poring 50 solid hours into it, over a week or so, it is better. not great, but better. i havent stretched my literary muscles for two weeks, and filling in the incoporeal details of careers i prefer not to remember, listing duties and responsibilities really does prove difficult. there's not much to fixing computers over the phone or in person, or handling people so they feel comfortable while you spend 2 hours destroying and/or fixing hundreds of hours of the their intellectual works. it is not the most satisfying or rewarding job in that respect, its a service. sometimes, i have more respect for people that feel pride and accomplisment, i dont remember feeling it anymore. i like the work, but the sense of satisfaction died a little each day. so, i'm lost in that too.


lets see, i think i have $700 or so left after moving all my stuff from melbourne, and moving to manly. I've had to do a lot of washing and dusting, still have boxes in my room of old clothes and books from 4 years ago in boxes, that i cant think of what to do with. i cleaned out a lot of old paperwork, especially university and files from work, looked through receipts and love letters, etc. what's interesting is that in 6 years, i have achieved almost nothing. i have a lot more excess furniture and frozen food now, a real bonus if i get hungry at regular times, which isnt' common at all for me. i seem to be getting locked into buying bread and frozen noodles/pasta, (maybe its symptomatic of hibernation or something) but its incidental. im scouting the local areas in manly for homewares, bakeries, computer stores and pizza delivery, as well as how to get there via public transport. its keeping me occupied, in an almost unconscious way, finding a direction and an occupation. and maybe a hobby.

speaking of which, public transport in sydney - it's actually better than i remembered. i think the 8 years spent waiting for things that never arrive on time has taught me humility. i think that is possibly the only real lesson i've learnt since i started university in 1997, the rest has proven patently useless. the self-help books and armchair philosophy has made a dent too, but i think the real aim of this year is to get over the fear and anxiety of being unhappy with a 9-5 job. maybe, it's that empty stomach-churning feeling you get on a rollercoaster as inertia is moving you forward, and gravity is starting to pull you back into the harness, that's more apt.

i havent shaved since i moved in, which is contra-indicative to success, but i prefer to look older while sitting on my mom's old funriture, jeans and a tshirt on my cheap futon lounge. looking out over the 4 inch square view of the ocean between bright lights, buildings and construction, you have to imagine that you are sitting on the pier to see the water clearly. still, it's a good feeling, riding that high where you dont really know whats happening, looking away from the seething fear of being absolutely broke and letting the family down.

on the other hand, i might actually do some ironing soon, but lets not kid ourselves. thats so unlikely to happen spontaneously, as are a lot of things. some are only necessary to impress others. besides the furniture, its about 6-8c warmer here and its bugging me that the hot water runs out so quickly. Apart from the little incidental things which are comfortable limitations, the only real struggle is the inestimable delay in securing that profession before my expenses really start to hit me financially. it might be an akward time, but im so used to it that it feels like a regular day now. reminds me, i should pay my mobile bill tomorrow.

I havent started going out yet, contacting my old friends and drinking away my income and my fears - i'm going to let fate intervene and manage that issue. i dont like avoiding my friends or my colleagues, but i tell myself it's only until i feel comfortable with my surroundings. it has been 4 years since i was here last, and i really havent changed, in my estimation. i might be wiser and more comfortable with life, per se, but it's not accomplishment, it's more like the gradual progression towards depression and habitual drug abuse. i'll get over it soon enough, but its going to be an interesting month of november, i feel it.

part of that apprehension is, i dont want my life's motto to be "i had plans, and they all changed" 'cause in honesty, i had no plans, no ambitions or direction. all i had was a handful of spurious interests, good problem solving skills and patience. the rest is sort of a amalgam of blended lies and deceits, amoral standards, etc. not the kind of thing that sells your resume, unless youre applying to be in the intelligence services. well, there's a few other positions, but i dont have management/marketing experience.

looking forward again, daylight savings starts soon, i guess the 4.30 am dawn is no longer going to surprise me. i have 2 weeks until the rent is due, and ~$200-$300 of bills to pay soon this week. once some form of income provides me with the ability to explore and keep the lights/internet/computers/microwave on, im going to find old friends and loved ones, i might even look for sheridan, kate, amy, sara and amity again, but i dont like my chances. i have probably got one of those ancient perogatives, where the girl i dont want to see, is the one i will find first. it's already started, my next door neighbour is my centrelink job advisor, so i know fate's got plans, and some good cards have been dealt - the progression is there. however, knowing fate, my mom will want to move in with her furniture for a while, something i'm not encouraged by. that spare room is going to be a noose around my neck for a while as i see it, a future income stream negated by 30 cubic metres of heavy wicker hampers, cardboard boxes and file cabinets full of physio reports. and then there's the books. some of it is in storage, but a great deal is in the pantry/cupboards, more will be going into storage soon enough, i just hope i can find somewhere for it. if i get a camera, i might take some pictures for posterity.

Current Mood: uncomfortable uncomfortable
Current Music: Triple J radio

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i'm in awe of this photo.
whoever wins... we lose

edit: which has most likely been removed. basically, it was the AvP promotional poster with "howard VS latham" imposed over the positions of evil alien creatures bent on domination and destruction. so yeah, very apt for a national leadership position.
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man, if i have to relate to another peon about my stance on australian politics ... ehh.

the election, is so distasteful ... aargh.
you have a choice between howard, costello (cause you know howard's going to leave his HoR seat by choice or by election forces), and latham. now, it is a poor choice, granted. but its so bad, they have somehow launched into the political debate with trust as the paradoxical issue at the start of the real campaigning.

trust.

oh my lord ... it's so catastrophic to even mention that word in a political arena. if you even create doubt about trust and power, you're basically poisoning the ground and burning the bridges around you while looking smug. which is where they both are, standing right next to each other on an island while everyone just looks on as the smoke and ash falls in around them. so doomed. but this is media-politics, they can just wash the damage away and bring up some sort of contrived issue a week later to 'bust-up' the party/leadership of the other. so false and contrived, they really got the wrong message from the US political elective sagas. if they can prop up someone like schwarzenegger who has no experience except for the family and friends of a candidate, it just indicates that a 'dark horse' can just jump into the australian electorate and win with no competition.


but...
the longer i think about the "dark horse" idea, it is such a euphemism, one that works though. the devil could come in and win at this stage, as long as he's honest about it. and nobody would be particularly worried. at the least, you know his goals are worthy and his motives are clear, all with the apocalyptic sentiments and death and damnation to all. there might be a little bit of confusion and objection later on as the burning bodies start to accrue, but we've never honestly let that detract from a political leader before.

it's a pretty successful campaign strategy too - party priorities like war, pestilence, disease, death and destruction. though, its touch and go. you have to realise and figure his stance on the scoresby freeway, education, freeways and refugees, levys vs taxes, retirement and social welfare, economics, his military stance on issues like international relations, pre-emptive wars and defending against international forces of terror. and others like UN relations, same-sex marriages, well maybe we do have his stance on a few issues already. his answers would be pretty much clear and honest, and it is better the devil you know.. its only slightly depressing to me that the devil would make a better political leader than the ones we're stuck between, both in australia, america and overseas.

besides, i gave it a little thought on friday. the only way to get major societal changes in place within the limited 3 year profile of a prime minister is,  to somewhere within 2 years, when everyone is reticent about declaring your election a fraud ... when the swing upward of patriotic fervour is, have an incident trigger some kind of public sympathetic backlash, which is then halted by some kind of "terror" campaign.
in the aftermath of the gruesome and bloody retaliation that inevitably follows, akwardly declare martial law just to make the intended governmental changes violently. however, it requires finesse. one way to go, is then just vote yourself out, keep the military in standby, or casually decide to visit another country. while the 'fearless leader' is out of town, the revolution starts. the blacked-out media is "culled", as well as the party/leadership of your own party is remodelled to suit and remake the government with the origial leader at it's head. but that, would never happen. in a week. maybe a month ...  it might take a little longer.

besides, martial law is so convenient for a rebellion, on both sides of the political arena. that you could imagine any kind of diabolical evil, and the climate surrounding the event would allow it. worse still, the chances of civil unrest to disrupt the process can be removed if you motivate and recruit the players in the greater party to be condemned as traitors in the pre-violent phase, and leave the opposing political party to just complain about it. obviously, its a fairly brutal way to make friends and belittle people, but as a dictator, you really have to pull all the people to your way of thinking, even in a pseudo-democratic nation, just to make things smooth before the restructuring. besides, it would be really hard to make changes after the  revolution(s), and get away with it. lots of accidents and private plane crashes, too many to be statistically imperious.

abjectly speaking, the devil is a convenient concept. which makes him a purely rhetorical and axiomatic device for creating arguments like this one. if there was one (el diablo, satan, lucifer, andrew denton, anyone from the dark side of http://www.amiannoyingornot.com/ranking.aspx ), he'd be putting forth a very convincing candidate right about now, but alas, not. maybe he's just working his way up the chain. come to think of it, maybe costello really does have the right stuff. that economics background..

my vote ? im not sure. on the 6th of october, the only certainty is, that i'll be drinking a lot that evening.
hopefully i'll have moved into my fairlight apartment, found a roommate, a new job, and a comfortable place to seat a futon bed.

maybe i'll vote democrats again, because that just does nothing at all in the greater scheme of things, other than to shift my vote tactically and tacitly to another party of nil consequence in the greater election. at some point in the future, i will be in a country, where i can feel proud to have chosen someone remotely capable of performing in the job. right now, i feel like scorching anything related to the whole process until a candidate can prove their allegiance to something greater than their own selfish aims and proclamations. its rather supercilious and pathetic right now.

Current Mood: crazy crazy
Current Music: prodigy-Spitfire

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dead. alive. not much difference in the long run,
you still have to wait for things to occur in their natural time.
but if you're dead, i guess there's no pressure involved.
ahh, to be careless and young again. maybe just careless.

im only 25...Collapse )

anyway, i have to fill my current responsibilities. i'm not totally removed from life. yet.

Current Mood: blah blah

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WARNING
toliman is radioactive. Wear protective clothing at all times.

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From Go-Quiz.com

today's new noteworthy news: not much. slept in. like every other day.

however last week, i got some new toys !Collapse )
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oddest dream tonight,

i was catching up on some sleep, woke up at about 4am and sat down at my desk with some reheated food from the freezer, there's always somone up at 4am watching IRC for the latest buzz and press. 4am seems to be that perennial late hour, when the US hits its morning and the rest of the world rests.

anyway, i had a really odd dream about being situated in a nice open house, with what seems like a sloping garage entry into the house, about as wide as a double garage and huge wooden doors, the house being a two level lodge with a large rec room/kitchenette area like a lodge, couches in the middle of the room in an really odd configuration, a fireplace at the middle of the room. while im sleeping on a couch with various people sitting around, moving around, i notice i'm  under police protection, seemed like UK police now that i think about it, but at one point, the guns switched on me after finding out i had a police record.

a constable/detective pulled out a switchblade, spun it on his finger and i thought to myself, this is a switchblade, butterfly ... cock blocker, and then i forced it out of his hand while it was spinning. while staring at him coldly ...yeah, it gets odd after this.

the rest of the dream revolves about me ascending to being the king of denmark (or some unnamed european monarch) , getting dressed in odd socks, listening to two advisors discussing export controls and tariffs with the UN ambassador smiling and nodding as he's  watching me put on my socks in the couch next to me. i take notice of the headwear to keep my hair in check is crooked, and has a small icon that looks like a foresight icon, ie. crosshairs, so i take it off, to some shocks and gasps from the milling crowd of servants in the foyer below the staricase, and descend the stairs in my formal wear and step into some shoes with some nameless attendants assisting, the minister and the ambassador follow behind me.

the rest of the dream revolves around being escorted around by customs officers who are admiring the new digs and transported in a ship and later a large fleet helicoptor resting on a large bulkhead in the middle of the transport, talking to the naval officer / captain about installing a nuclear fleet warship or scouting fleet for training and evaluation, and what he seemed to think about my proposal, saying we'd be killing the fishing industry for millenia, so i relented on the line of questioning, saying there's no sustained radiation to the crew in conventional fission reactors, and that we needed to reuse the enriched uranium stockpiles we continually carry for other nations. it sort of got wierdly technical after that point.

the next part becomes airy as im being followed by houndreds of people in a procession, skipping around the streets of a fairly open mountain community while everyone's singing a song i  never heard, in a foreign language, but the words seem familiar. i enter the throne stand at attention and most of the rest becomes ceremonial, i then find myself in an old castle, spending the night in a formal 16th century bedroom, waking up to meet my new queen, whos name i never remember, esme or qromsw, something and i find myself doing tai chi in the bedroom chambers as an advisor reads my schdule of daily events. id mention i was nude while doing tai chi, but that seems to be largely incidental, im listening to this, while a small boy creeps up behind me with a scalpel, so i flip or twist my back and pick him up upside down and stare at this face... he looks familiar in my dream, but i cant see his face.

unbeknownst to me, i had this dream while about 1/2 the world was watching the royal wedding in denmark ... which is odd by itself, since i'd ususally watch such trite things for amusement and posterity, but i missed it totally.

my dream version is far more intriguing, especially the dancing around the streets in european royal  get-up, singing a strange local dirge. something like "oh and i would like to 'clean' his bedroom..."

Current Mood: crazy crazy

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i'm alive. well. and seeking an interlocutory injunction ... nah, not really. the alive part is apt and believable, i'll stick with alive as my general response to "how you doing" for the next few days.

nothing new, bought and setup a shuttle sn45g with spare parts, its a little beauty of a PC, which i paid far too much for a video card in respect and i broke my old networking hub which needs replacing. things change but technology always breaks when you have the least money to afford replacements.

at the minute, it's recompiling all the new and old software from my old linux system. im using it to help me study for my LPI/Linux+ exams, ive decided to certify myself, as a way to pay some bills and define my way to employment. again.

at this stage, i might even go back to uni, maybe swinbourne for some post-grad studies and work, i seem to enjoy learning and the lifestyle of being poor, it is far easier than being under the thumb or employ of others. plus my recent studies of philosophy and sociology has some intriguing aspects that actual study might help prosper ... all said, it will probaly help me get laid. which is motivation enough for anyone. might even head towards a lecture/tutor position, how hard can teaching lanky, socially gregarious 19 yr old geeks distinctly credible IT skills be ? i know it wasnt hard when i went to uni... it shouldnt have changed much. but damn, 7 years is coming soon, and ive not done a lot since highschool finished up.

i think i need the definition in my life to help me propel myself in a direction i really want to go ... rather than sitting around watching dawn/twilight tv. which will lead to an unhealthy big brother "up late" obsession like last year. so far, thats about the more credible scenario i find myself facing in my immediate future... and it doesnt worry me, like it should. my 5 year plan ... looks a lot like the current plan, keeping comfy, warm and happy in my own idle life. a distinct part of me knows that i cant keep that kind of promise, there are things that must change, and people who will change me. but right now, if my life is like a boat, my sails torn and i'd be sitting in the stern, watching my future drifting in the ocean tides. it's a peaceful way to ... die, but as a model of my immediate future, it's really quite depressing. and totally honest.

maybe i should ask someone for a tow or just get on out and paddle my way forwards... hmm
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well, again, it's my birthday. 25 years old, and im very unsure it will be better than the last one.

although ... its gotta be really. i have more than i did the last year, and im content, if not happy.

the reality is, im still in the same position i was 5 years ago, but older. im sure i'll feel better about the whole thing once it's over, but i got a lot of congratulations from friends and relatives after much prodding, but it's still an empty gesture to me, though i do know its heartfelt and honest.

i just dont feel celebratory yet. i'm heading off now to endure the celebratory rituals ... i.e. 4 hours 20 minutes of visiting relatives, friends, and merchants. i could probably start drinking sooner rather than later. anyway, i'm off to visit my mom in the city, and we'll do something to spend some time out. should be a little fun.

Current Mood: melancholy melancholy

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news for the last week ... not much.

new things i did include,

bummed around, watched "the cooler", last samurai, kill bill, return of the king (on DVD) and spent most of today watching The Office, Season 1 and 2. it's an absolutely depressing show in large quantities, but so apt and shameless at showing the awesome evil and soulless corruption of corporate logic and management. 40 years i guess since the development of office corporate cultures, final evolution would be to grow brains in a canopic jar with a neural interface for most office work, would become the true paperless office.

perhaps. no stationery, lots of reports and meetings still, no need for lunch or time-off, insurance, irritating personalities will still drive you mad, sexual relationships will be simulated and forgotten, retirement and hiring/firing wouldnt need to change that much, except the money will just collect somewhere else. and you could still slave tirelessly for profit, you would however be unable to spend it, so i guess a new "carrot & stick" is needed for the brain in jar crowds.

downloaded a few british (BBC TV) shows, saw a bit of wonderfalls (its now cool to hear god talk to you, joan of arcadia and wonderfalls are 2 spins on the anthropomorphic view of an existential god giving us messages for our salvation through ... models and dramatic TV) and "USA" network / channel really misses john doe/dead zone, cause you can see it's trying to pull in the "fan-of-wierd" culture, now that x-files pulled open the

its the time of year when a whole bunch of new tv shows are released for spring (US), another new buch in autumn/fall (US) to replace the shows cancelled 6 months from now. briefly, there's 3-4 new law shows (century city, the DA), no new terrorist-related intelligence shows, seems like recycling is fashionable, as is calling your TV show "The ", as in The O.C. (teen drama), The D.A.(LA law from the other side of the court, stupidly rehashing political correctness and LA morality together), The Help (florida's version of The Nanny, but theres more than two of the sparring slaves, unlikeable family, cheap thrifty comedy), a few others barely worth even remembering.

looked at mp3s again, briefly, AMIP, foobar2k, mp3ad+, GTSDll, which does ... DC++/oDC/BCDC/BitTorrent/GetRight/BSPlayer/MPClassic/ZoomPlayer/WinAmp-related pimping (shouts to everyone) in MiRC, it seems like a nice way to spend 20 minutes creating an argument about how poor your taste is.

burning DVD's. making a mess of 80 hours of CPU time, because i can't work out delineating motion and adaptive edge masking in avisynth, encoding AC3 streams for the first time, adding subtitles to homebrew DVD's , and working out the subtleties of mpeg-2 DCT matrices and how they effect changes in quantisation and visual pattern identification. i firmly believe the longer i look at iDCT, the next gen stuff will be much better.

New Video tech, things like wavelet and dynamic predictive masks, the regular Mathematical process of video encoding will change, replaced by textures overlayed on moving objects, kind of like the way south park is animated with cardboard cutout pieces, and moved around to animate the conversation or action, which MPEG-4 (XViD/DiVX) does, MPEG-7 promises to encode data with the textured objects, to create movies that also resemble extremely vivid DVD menus or a robot's Point Of View, where objects are outlined and identified separately on screen, information bubbles appearing during a scene to highlight clothing worn by actors etc.

to put this in context, when watching a live TV show in 5 years time, a football/soccer match can be rendered in pseudo-3D, players can be isolated and tracked and camera tracking/zoom/views done on the fly, so you can watch the camera follow star atheletes or referees, etc. when you see a girl wearing a shade of lipstick, a magazine/book, a couch or a suit, the manufacturer, their website and current pricing information from a selection of available delivery sites will be encoded into the broadcast stream, you can put up a selection box where the metadata is linked into your home wireless network and your set-top box Networked HDTV recorder will relay it to a 3rd party agent on your home network, i.e. a mobile phone or Desktop PC, and correlate that information back to you and then judge and display all the stores in your area that stock/deliver, the delivery times and the opening hours. it's all very close to real now with current technology, HDTV streams can contain all kinds of data, but it is IIRC currently legislated against, that only approved content can be sent out over the Digital TV airwaves.
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