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friends and enemies - Introspective to toliman
friends and enemies
oh man, i'm bust, disconnected and tired. it's 3am, and i woke up a few hours ago.

so this is another monthly burst of writing to excorcise those pent up feelings.
maybe ill do this more regularly, but there's often nothing significant to write about, certainly not enough to remember.

i'm feeling good about life, etc,, in that sense of floating between fear, abandon, loneliness and futile speculation one seems to dwell upon at 4am. it's probably just me that gets this way at this hour, but i think theres a universal kind of malaise one gets into occasionally when the horizon looks back and all you see is sky, not opportunity or a future. then you just hit upon your faults and your futility.

yeah, it's probably just me.

In other news,
i'm recreating a semblance of my life again, physically and digitally, putting all things into account now that i have a short window between unemployment and homelessness.

my resume is a shambles, but after poring 50 solid hours into it, over a week or so, it is better. not great, but better. i havent stretched my literary muscles for two weeks, and filling in the incoporeal details of careers i prefer not to remember, listing duties and responsibilities really does prove difficult. there's not much to fixing computers over the phone or in person, or handling people so they feel comfortable while you spend 2 hours destroying and/or fixing hundreds of hours of the their intellectual works. it is not the most satisfying or rewarding job in that respect, its a service. sometimes, i have more respect for people that feel pride and accomplisment, i dont remember feeling it anymore. i like the work, but the sense of satisfaction died a little each day. so, i'm lost in that too.

lets see, i think i have $700 or so left after moving all my stuff from melbourne, and moving to manly. I've had to do a lot of washing and dusting, still have boxes in my room of old clothes and books from 4 years ago in boxes, that i cant think of what to do with. i cleaned out a lot of old paperwork, especially university and files from work, looked through receipts and love letters, etc. what's interesting is that in 6 years, i have achieved almost nothing. i have a lot more excess furniture and frozen food now, a real bonus if i get hungry at regular times, which isnt' common at all for me. i seem to be getting locked into buying bread and frozen noodles/pasta, (maybe its symptomatic of hibernation or something) but its incidental. im scouting the local areas in manly for homewares, bakeries, computer stores and pizza delivery, as well as how to get there via public transport. its keeping me occupied, in an almost unconscious way, finding a direction and an occupation. and maybe a hobby.

speaking of which, public transport in sydney - it's actually better than i remembered. i think the 8 years spent waiting for things that never arrive on time has taught me humility. i think that is possibly the only real lesson i've learnt since i started university in 1997, the rest has proven patently useless. the self-help books and armchair philosophy has made a dent too, but i think the real aim of this year is to get over the fear and anxiety of being unhappy with a 9-5 job. maybe, it's that empty stomach-churning feeling you get on a rollercoaster as inertia is moving you forward, and gravity is starting to pull you back into the harness, that's more apt.

i havent shaved since i moved in, which is contra-indicative to success, but i prefer to look older while sitting on my mom's old funriture, jeans and a tshirt on my cheap futon lounge. looking out over the 4 inch square view of the ocean between bright lights, buildings and construction, you have to imagine that you are sitting on the pier to see the water clearly. still, it's a good feeling, riding that high where you dont really know whats happening, looking away from the seething fear of being absolutely broke and letting the family down.

on the other hand, i might actually do some ironing soon, but lets not kid ourselves. thats so unlikely to happen spontaneously, as are a lot of things. some are only necessary to impress others. besides the furniture, its about 6-8c warmer here and its bugging me that the hot water runs out so quickly. Apart from the little incidental things which are comfortable limitations, the only real struggle is the inestimable delay in securing that profession before my expenses really start to hit me financially. it might be an akward time, but im so used to it that it feels like a regular day now. reminds me, i should pay my mobile bill tomorrow.

I havent started going out yet, contacting my old friends and drinking away my income and my fears - i'm going to let fate intervene and manage that issue. i dont like avoiding my friends or my colleagues, but i tell myself it's only until i feel comfortable with my surroundings. it has been 4 years since i was here last, and i really havent changed, in my estimation. i might be wiser and more comfortable with life, per se, but it's not accomplishment, it's more like the gradual progression towards depression and habitual drug abuse. i'll get over it soon enough, but its going to be an interesting month of november, i feel it.

part of that apprehension is, i dont want my life's motto to be "i had plans, and they all changed" 'cause in honesty, i had no plans, no ambitions or direction. all i had was a handful of spurious interests, good problem solving skills and patience. the rest is sort of a amalgam of blended lies and deceits, amoral standards, etc. not the kind of thing that sells your resume, unless youre applying to be in the intelligence services. well, there's a few other positions, but i dont have management/marketing experience.

looking forward again, daylight savings starts soon, i guess the 4.30 am dawn is no longer going to surprise me. i have 2 weeks until the rent is due, and ~$200-$300 of bills to pay soon this week. once some form of income provides me with the ability to explore and keep the lights/internet/computers/microwave on, im going to find old friends and loved ones, i might even look for sheridan, kate, amy, sara and amity again, but i dont like my chances. i have probably got one of those ancient perogatives, where the girl i dont want to see, is the one i will find first. it's already started, my next door neighbour is my centrelink job advisor, so i know fate's got plans, and some good cards have been dealt - the progression is there. however, knowing fate, my mom will want to move in with her furniture for a while, something i'm not encouraged by. that spare room is going to be a noose around my neck for a while as i see it, a future income stream negated by 30 cubic metres of heavy wicker hampers, cardboard boxes and file cabinets full of physio reports. and then there's the books. some of it is in storage, but a great deal is in the pantry/cupboards, more will be going into storage soon enough, i just hope i can find somewhere for it. if i get a camera, i might take some pictures for posterity.

Current Mood: uncomfortable uncomfortable
Current Music: Triple J radio

5 comments or Leave a comment
From: feelingoldby21 Date: November 2nd, 2004 10:05 pm (UTC) (Link)

Found you randomly.

I like your journal. i'm adding you if that's okay.
sweetgal6 From: sweetgal6 Date: November 8th, 2004 06:12 am (UTC) (Link)
your life is prolly better than you think it is.
reply back to me! 16 yrs old f from PA
beauty_lies_low From: beauty_lies_low Date: January 14th, 2005 08:58 pm (UTC) (Link)
hey, can we be friends?? You like Pearl Jam, and I am a red head!!!
From: n0fxrocks1090 Date: October 24th, 2005 10:56 pm (UTC) (Link)
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5 comments or Leave a comment